October Pacts

New novel started! :D

You make my brain hurt.

So I'm sitting here, after you log out and leave me with your comments (smooth btw) and my first response is a sarcastic half hearted, "oh yeah, I'll try that next time I'm unlucky in love" because I realize I‘m some what apprehensive when you say that you are leaving me with one more thought. Then I actually think about the conversation and I realize that part of why you frustrate me so much is not because you wont “talk” to me or help me with Spanish but because you make me uncomfortable. You challenge me to look at my own life and take stock of it, and even realize where I can be better and should be better… and that isn’t a place I want to be. You casually mention your history and how you can’t close yourself off of the risk of love (for good reason) and then I agree with you. We both conclude (which makes it worse because I happen to use my own thoughts and words here, so I can’t deny comprehension) that the only way to live is one step at a time. Then you advise me that I need patience, which only further frustrates me because it is true, although I couldn’t quite understand why you decided to point that out when we were talking about Your having to live life step by step, not me (again denial maybe? haha). Then the closing zinger comes in, mentioning a some what random fact that when one is unlucky in love they tend to be lucky elsewhere… and I should test my luck elsewhere (which implies I am currently unlucky in love)… of course that makes me sit here and think (damn you). While I’m sitting here trying to ponder this (probably way to much) I realize that maybe.. Its not that I’m unlucky in love (currently) but that I can’t be unlucky in love if I’m closed off and trying to impatiently live life it in leaps and bounds, not step by step. And to that I have to just say, “damn it quit making me realize I can be a better person”.

Road Trip Week

This weekend was eventful. I, my brother, and my cousin took a much needed mini road trip to Arizona. We spent all weekend relaxing, swimming, tanning (sunburning) and hanging out. Overall I would say the trip was a blast. :) We wrapped up by stopping in LC to check up on my school info. Got great news on that front. I am apparently eligible for financial aid, another 19,000.00 worth. Hahaha. That comes out to about 3 semesters (if I take all of the money and use it for rent and school). I've thought things over (mostly) and my plan is to take online classes for the fall (2011) so that I do not have to try to move in 27 days. Haha. I will also continue with my plans to go to Mexico for my Spanish classes. Next I will move to LC in January/December when I arrive back from Mexico and finish the last of my degree there. I am pretty excited about this turn of events. I am also excited because I get to go to Denver this week. I leave Wednesday and come back Sunday (my poor doglets). I'm going with my dad and stepmom and littlest siblings. I've never really been to Denver so I'm super excited. Granted when I get my pay check and I realize how much my little dogs have missed me I will feel bad, but until then I'm just thrilled! I can definitely tell how much my little guys missed me, as I try to type this I've got one of them laying on one arm passed out, the other is curled up on my back. Haha. Well I am going to try not to over plan things, as the quotes go about plans..... :D On that note I just wanted to post a quick update since its been a while. I've gotta get to bed as I do work 1 1/2 days this week. hehe

Eight

The highest good is like water.

Water gives life to the ten thousand things and does not strive.

It flows in places men reject and so is like the Tao.

In dwelling, be close to the land.

In meditation, go deep in the heart.

In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.

In speech, be true.

In ruling, be just.

In business, be competent.

In action, watch the timing.

No fight: No blame.

"You have a lot to learn still"

I've recently been told that I have a lot to learn still and was recommended a book on Taoist principles, Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. I was originally taken aback by the comment, as it sounded (to me) to be argumentative and potentially insulting. Upon further consideration (and asking for clarification) I was assured that was not that case and just a reaction of my paranoid and suspicious nature. I should be getting the book sometime today and will update on what I've learned.

I've gotten my camera repaired and I'm working like crazy trying to save up my money to afford my travel plans to Mexico. Yes those are still on. I am waiting to hear back from a hostel that seems promising, though I plan to call them by next week if I still haven't received an email reply. I've started reading up on my travel destination and have been working on my Spanish language skills via a web program offered with the public library. I am still waiting to hear from NMSU, but am no longer holding out much hope. I figure if I don't hear back from them my new tentative plan has me travelling to Mexico this fall for classes. Then working, paying down debt, and making arrangements to potentially transfer/get accepted into UNM in a year or two. Otherwise I might find some international school arrangement or just move to a foreign country. Not sure yet. Hahah.

I've been getting the desperate itch to either work on my writing (gasp!) or get out there and take photos. I wish I had more dark room experience... I really want to CREATE my images in the way I can't with digital. But alas I will focus on my digital work this weekend. I was thinking of either taking a road trip or getting up at an ungodly hour to drive somewhere scenic. I will definitely post up whatever I end up creating as the desire to birth some form of art is building up desperately.

The poetic movements of nature, music, and life are beating a too fast rhythm in my blood. My soul is reaching out, clutching at anything that offers a flash, glimpse, or whisper of art. I'm finding music in words, poetry in nature, and art in my dreams. I've got no choice. I need to learn something new. I need a challenge, a chance to throw myself onto a blank canvas and absorb everything around me. I'll be the mixing pot, the palette for all the colors. Then I will channel everything I've become, using any media possible to CREATE.

I want something interesting, something enticing... I apologize to those of you I find fascinating. I know that my interest can possibly be irritating and annoying. I can't help the fact that I want to learn from you, learn about you... You interest me and that is a novel experience that allows me to want to grow, and create, and potentially emulate. Accept it for the compliment it is and understand that my interest will only be fleeting. Share with me, as if I was the blank canvas of your art. Leave with me the words, the sounds, the thoughts, the actions that you would leave to humanity if it was your chance to make a mark that would last. Humanity is so multifaceted. There are cultural, social, and gender differences. Language barriers and foreign concepts. I want to see the world through your eyes, just briefly, share with me what you see, think, and maybe... even feel. I don't mean this to sound creepy. It is the first time I have managed to express how I feel when I'm creating. When I take my camera and try to capture that one moment on film. I want to share this... concept with the people who would see my art. When I write, I want to create a world that I see, that I dream, that is just beyond the tips of my fingers to let my readers live it. To let them feel and believe, and maybe even escape or a chance to experience a life that could have been.

This is my goal for my travel, for my learning and my experiences. I don't want to just read about them or see them second hand. I want to capture them. I want to share them. I want to absorb them and enrich myself. Embolden, broaden my horizons, challenge my accepted and conventional norms. I want to push the boundaries and learn every facet of my being. I saw a quote today on stumbleupon.com (god I love that site) and I'm going to copy it below. This proverb was amazing. I really had to stop and think about it. I tend to agree with it. And I feel that the best way to "air" out these rooms is to push the boundaries, and redefine the walls of that "complete person" :

(link of where I found it: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/AsEInh/www.lunaea.com/words/rumer/intro.jpg)

ninja word skills (poem)

I’ve crept into your very being.
I have turned you on at your elemental depths.
I know you, as you’ll never know yourself.
I have been there.
I have wrapped myself around your brain,
flirted with your heart and been into the darkest reaches of your body.
I’ve brought you joy and passion,
excitement,
and lust.
I’ve felt your fear,
I have created your despair.
I have reveled in your heart breaks and started that first hint of hope.
I am your dreams.

,
I will creep into your very soul.
Stealthy and hidden, unseen and unheard.
Melding into the background you’ll never notice as I

Entrance.
it weaves inside. A whispered word, and offhand comment

Enthrall.
wrapping slowly and intrinsically around your being, leaving you thinking… thinking.

Excite.
your heart pounds, your blood rushes… you tingle as the electricity that makes up your molecules responds.




I am
Ninja Word Skills


And without me you’d never know the passion and love of reading or writing. I am everything that makes you human. Hidden, unused, unseen and unknown. Feared yet revered. Expand your horizons. Embrace the cultures. Use words like seasoning, often and exotic.

Updates (and venting)

Lets see.... I'm still waiting to hear from NMSU about financial aid, but I have started really looking into the whole traveling abroad to learn Spanish. I began looking at attending school in Mexico City for the Spanish Immersion program, as well as potentially trying to attend classes there (under scholarship to attend for free). Now, 1/3 of my family is indifferent to this idea as they feel it is just another one of my random "oooh! shiny" impulse moments. The other 1/3 is hesitantly suggesting that it might be a semi-decent idea if I don't get shot or killed. The other 1/3 is completely and utterly opposed to the idea to go so far as to get in my face and make me cry over it. Now I am not a big crier by any means. And I will say there are very valid points and concerns BUT I still feel that regardless of those one should not act the way they acted upon this idea. As for those of you who know me, I love a challenge and to get in my face and say "I challenge you to go. Because you will get there and come running home in a week if you aren't gang raped multiple times and sold"... Is the surest way I know to get me to move to fucking Mexico. I was so upset and hurt over this. I have considered the risks and HAVE not made any decisions yet. But I do not feel it is EVER okay to get in someones face like that. If you have valid concerns and fears sit down and address them with me. Show me the data, don't post the crap in a passive aggressive manner publicly all over facebook after getting in my face and saying very cruel, inappropriate comments. I have plans, and I am very methodological when I put my mind to it. Trust me to do my research, evaluate my options and weigh my choices before I make any decision. Respect that I am an adult and I can live my life how I want to... and you getting in my face and challenging me, calling me names, informing me that I am just asking for it... You have no right. I don't care how much a part of my life you are, how much you have contributed to the raising of me. My parents don't even pull that crap so why should you get that right? I am a person, and I have made mistakes but I would like to think that your input in raising me has contributed enough common sense that I wont run off half-cocked. UNTIL you challenge me. Then that is a different story, because upon a challenge all thought goes out the window. Argh. I really don't want to get too much into this.. but I did want to vent and just say, Guess what, I'm still considering it. Love ya.