Free Writes

Visiting Author Free Write

5 tangible things

Walking Out-

My emotional feeling that I’m trying to describe is relief leading to joy. Contentment, being assured and happy. This is in regards to my divorce. It is the feelings I felt when I was finally holding my divorce papers. It was the feeling I felt walking out that night. And not looking back. It was the feeling I have knowing that in May I’m walking out of this life and into a new one. I’m going to pack my shit, load it up and drive for 3 hours. I’m going to start all over again. A new city. A new college. A new home. I already have the new boyfriend. Not the same thing as a husband, not by any means but it is still something new. A new experience. I never would have thought it was supposed to be like this. The feelings of his arms wrapped around me. Laying in bed with him on a lazy morning. Holding the keys to my new place that we picked out. My place. Not his. Mine. Sitting in my car, with the moving boxes piled in the back, and my dogs on the seat next to me. Driving. Along that long stretch of road I’m driving and it is relief. I’m free. I’m happy. I’m walking out of my old life, walking out of this dead skin. Almost like a butterfly. I knew things weren’t going the way I wanted them to, so instead of doing something about it I just let it fester. Finally, wrapped up in my cocoon came the day I was able to start over. I walked out. I asked my question, got my answer and was relieved. It made things so much easier.

“I need a yes or no answer, no more of this I don’t know crap. Either yes you want to be with me and make this work, you want to do whatever it takes, counseling again, talking, whatever. Or no you don’t want to be with me and you are done. Which is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know. That isn’t an answer, either yes or no.”

“I don’t know what I want, I don’t know if I want to be with you, I don’t know if I want to make this work”

“Well I guess that’s my answer. Then we are done. I’ll pack my shit and be gone.”

Silence. He stood there. I stood there. Then he nodded. Turned and went off to play video games with his brother. I stood there. In our master bedroom. Alone. Looking at the new carpet we just put in, the new paint on the walls. The new tile for the bathroom. All along I knew it was breaking, ruined. I tried to fix it, I tried to do the adult thing, counseling, talking, bending until I broke. The only thing that seemed to work was slapping some artificial materialistic bandages, new cosmetic things. I looked around once more. Laughed quietly. I grabbed my backpack tossed in my toothbrush ,contacts and cell phone. Took one last look around and shouted, I’ll get my dogs tomorrow. And I walked out.