Road Trip Week

This weekend was eventful. I, my brother, and my cousin took a much needed mini road trip to Arizona. We spent all weekend relaxing, swimming, tanning (sunburning) and hanging out. Overall I would say the trip was a blast. :) We wrapped up by stopping in LC to check up on my school info. Got great news on that front. I am apparently eligible for financial aid, another 19,000.00 worth. Hahaha. That comes out to about 3 semesters (if I take all of the money and use it for rent and school). I've thought things over (mostly) and my plan is to take online classes for the fall (2011) so that I do not have to try to move in 27 days. Haha. I will also continue with my plans to go to Mexico for my Spanish classes. Next I will move to LC in January/December when I arrive back from Mexico and finish the last of my degree there. I am pretty excited about this turn of events. I am also excited because I get to go to Denver this week. I leave Wednesday and come back Sunday (my poor doglets). I'm going with my dad and stepmom and littlest siblings. I've never really been to Denver so I'm super excited. Granted when I get my pay check and I realize how much my little dogs have missed me I will feel bad, but until then I'm just thrilled! I can definitely tell how much my little guys missed me, as I try to type this I've got one of them laying on one arm passed out, the other is curled up on my back. Haha. Well I am going to try not to over plan things, as the quotes go about plans..... :D On that note I just wanted to post a quick update since its been a while. I've gotta get to bed as I do work 1 1/2 days this week. hehe

Eight

The highest good is like water.

Water gives life to the ten thousand things and does not strive.

It flows in places men reject and so is like the Tao.

In dwelling, be close to the land.

In meditation, go deep in the heart.

In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.

In speech, be true.

In ruling, be just.

In business, be competent.

In action, watch the timing.

No fight: No blame.

"You have a lot to learn still"

I've recently been told that I have a lot to learn still and was recommended a book on Taoist principles, Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. I was originally taken aback by the comment, as it sounded (to me) to be argumentative and potentially insulting. Upon further consideration (and asking for clarification) I was assured that was not that case and just a reaction of my paranoid and suspicious nature. I should be getting the book sometime today and will update on what I've learned.

I've gotten my camera repaired and I'm working like crazy trying to save up my money to afford my travel plans to Mexico. Yes those are still on. I am waiting to hear back from a hostel that seems promising, though I plan to call them by next week if I still haven't received an email reply. I've started reading up on my travel destination and have been working on my Spanish language skills via a web program offered with the public library. I am still waiting to hear from NMSU, but am no longer holding out much hope. I figure if I don't hear back from them my new tentative plan has me travelling to Mexico this fall for classes. Then working, paying down debt, and making arrangements to potentially transfer/get accepted into UNM in a year or two. Otherwise I might find some international school arrangement or just move to a foreign country. Not sure yet. Hahah.

I've been getting the desperate itch to either work on my writing (gasp!) or get out there and take photos. I wish I had more dark room experience... I really want to CREATE my images in the way I can't with digital. But alas I will focus on my digital work this weekend. I was thinking of either taking a road trip or getting up at an ungodly hour to drive somewhere scenic. I will definitely post up whatever I end up creating as the desire to birth some form of art is building up desperately.

The poetic movements of nature, music, and life are beating a too fast rhythm in my blood. My soul is reaching out, clutching at anything that offers a flash, glimpse, or whisper of art. I'm finding music in words, poetry in nature, and art in my dreams. I've got no choice. I need to learn something new. I need a challenge, a chance to throw myself onto a blank canvas and absorb everything around me. I'll be the mixing pot, the palette for all the colors. Then I will channel everything I've become, using any media possible to CREATE.

I want something interesting, something enticing... I apologize to those of you I find fascinating. I know that my interest can possibly be irritating and annoying. I can't help the fact that I want to learn from you, learn about you... You interest me and that is a novel experience that allows me to want to grow, and create, and potentially emulate. Accept it for the compliment it is and understand that my interest will only be fleeting. Share with me, as if I was the blank canvas of your art. Leave with me the words, the sounds, the thoughts, the actions that you would leave to humanity if it was your chance to make a mark that would last. Humanity is so multifaceted. There are cultural, social, and gender differences. Language barriers and foreign concepts. I want to see the world through your eyes, just briefly, share with me what you see, think, and maybe... even feel. I don't mean this to sound creepy. It is the first time I have managed to express how I feel when I'm creating. When I take my camera and try to capture that one moment on film. I want to share this... concept with the people who would see my art. When I write, I want to create a world that I see, that I dream, that is just beyond the tips of my fingers to let my readers live it. To let them feel and believe, and maybe even escape or a chance to experience a life that could have been.

This is my goal for my travel, for my learning and my experiences. I don't want to just read about them or see them second hand. I want to capture them. I want to share them. I want to absorb them and enrich myself. Embolden, broaden my horizons, challenge my accepted and conventional norms. I want to push the boundaries and learn every facet of my being. I saw a quote today on stumbleupon.com (god I love that site) and I'm going to copy it below. This proverb was amazing. I really had to stop and think about it. I tend to agree with it. And I feel that the best way to "air" out these rooms is to push the boundaries, and redefine the walls of that "complete person" :

(link of where I found it: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/AsEInh/www.lunaea.com/words/rumer/intro.jpg)

ninja word skills (poem)

I’ve crept into your very being.
I have turned you on at your elemental depths.
I know you, as you’ll never know yourself.
I have been there.
I have wrapped myself around your brain,
flirted with your heart and been into the darkest reaches of your body.
I’ve brought you joy and passion,
excitement,
and lust.
I’ve felt your fear,
I have created your despair.
I have reveled in your heart breaks and started that first hint of hope.
I am your dreams.

,
I will creep into your very soul.
Stealthy and hidden, unseen and unheard.
Melding into the background you’ll never notice as I

Entrance.
it weaves inside. A whispered word, and offhand comment

Enthrall.
wrapping slowly and intrinsically around your being, leaving you thinking… thinking.

Excite.
your heart pounds, your blood rushes… you tingle as the electricity that makes up your molecules responds.




I am
Ninja Word Skills


And without me you’d never know the passion and love of reading or writing. I am everything that makes you human. Hidden, unused, unseen and unknown. Feared yet revered. Expand your horizons. Embrace the cultures. Use words like seasoning, often and exotic.

Updates (and venting)

Lets see.... I'm still waiting to hear from NMSU about financial aid, but I have started really looking into the whole traveling abroad to learn Spanish. I began looking at attending school in Mexico City for the Spanish Immersion program, as well as potentially trying to attend classes there (under scholarship to attend for free). Now, 1/3 of my family is indifferent to this idea as they feel it is just another one of my random "oooh! shiny" impulse moments. The other 1/3 is hesitantly suggesting that it might be a semi-decent idea if I don't get shot or killed. The other 1/3 is completely and utterly opposed to the idea to go so far as to get in my face and make me cry over it. Now I am not a big crier by any means. And I will say there are very valid points and concerns BUT I still feel that regardless of those one should not act the way they acted upon this idea. As for those of you who know me, I love a challenge and to get in my face and say "I challenge you to go. Because you will get there and come running home in a week if you aren't gang raped multiple times and sold"... Is the surest way I know to get me to move to fucking Mexico. I was so upset and hurt over this. I have considered the risks and HAVE not made any decisions yet. But I do not feel it is EVER okay to get in someones face like that. If you have valid concerns and fears sit down and address them with me. Show me the data, don't post the crap in a passive aggressive manner publicly all over facebook after getting in my face and saying very cruel, inappropriate comments. I have plans, and I am very methodological when I put my mind to it. Trust me to do my research, evaluate my options and weigh my choices before I make any decision. Respect that I am an adult and I can live my life how I want to... and you getting in my face and challenging me, calling me names, informing me that I am just asking for it... You have no right. I don't care how much a part of my life you are, how much you have contributed to the raising of me. My parents don't even pull that crap so why should you get that right? I am a person, and I have made mistakes but I would like to think that your input in raising me has contributed enough common sense that I wont run off half-cocked. UNTIL you challenge me. Then that is a different story, because upon a challenge all thought goes out the window. Argh. I really don't want to get too much into this.. but I did want to vent and just say, Guess what, I'm still considering it. Love ya.

Free Writes

Visiting Author Free Write

5 tangible things

Walking Out-

My emotional feeling that I’m trying to describe is relief leading to joy. Contentment, being assured and happy. This is in regards to my divorce. It is the feelings I felt when I was finally holding my divorce papers. It was the feeling I felt walking out that night. And not looking back. It was the feeling I have knowing that in May I’m walking out of this life and into a new one. I’m going to pack my shit, load it up and drive for 3 hours. I’m going to start all over again. A new city. A new college. A new home. I already have the new boyfriend. Not the same thing as a husband, not by any means but it is still something new. A new experience. I never would have thought it was supposed to be like this. The feelings of his arms wrapped around me. Laying in bed with him on a lazy morning. Holding the keys to my new place that we picked out. My place. Not his. Mine. Sitting in my car, with the moving boxes piled in the back, and my dogs on the seat next to me. Driving. Along that long stretch of road I’m driving and it is relief. I’m free. I’m happy. I’m walking out of my old life, walking out of this dead skin. Almost like a butterfly. I knew things weren’t going the way I wanted them to, so instead of doing something about it I just let it fester. Finally, wrapped up in my cocoon came the day I was able to start over. I walked out. I asked my question, got my answer and was relieved. It made things so much easier.

“I need a yes or no answer, no more of this I don’t know crap. Either yes you want to be with me and make this work, you want to do whatever it takes, counseling again, talking, whatever. Or no you don’t want to be with me and you are done. Which is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know. That isn’t an answer, either yes or no.”

“I don’t know what I want, I don’t know if I want to be with you, I don’t know if I want to make this work”

“Well I guess that’s my answer. Then we are done. I’ll pack my shit and be gone.”

Silence. He stood there. I stood there. Then he nodded. Turned and went off to play video games with his brother. I stood there. In our master bedroom. Alone. Looking at the new carpet we just put in, the new paint on the walls. The new tile for the bathroom. All along I knew it was breaking, ruined. I tried to fix it, I tried to do the adult thing, counseling, talking, bending until I broke. The only thing that seemed to work was slapping some artificial materialistic bandages, new cosmetic things. I looked around once more. Laughed quietly. I grabbed my backpack tossed in my toothbrush ,contacts and cell phone. Took one last look around and shouted, I’ll get my dogs tomorrow. And I walked out.

I want to run, to just go. To fly.

Free Write

02.04.2010

Prompt:

“after a while I went out and left the hospital and walked back to the hotel in the rain”

It was early evening and I could hear the soft sounds of people in their homes getting ready for supper, a TV there, a child’s laugh in that home, a woman’s shout for her children, or maybe a dog. Delicious scents of the living tainted the air, mixing smells with the clean fresh scent of a new beginning, of sins hidden in the gentle rain. It was cool, not cold, a good temperature. The rain was drizzling down, cooling the evening at the same pace of the sunset. I’d sat in that hospital for days. I watched, and waited. And when it finally became clear what I needed to do, I left. I have nothing more to wait for. I will go to the hotel, just a few blocks from the hospital. Walk through the cobblestone lined streets, past the shade trees and iron lamp posts. I will walk into the beautiful courtyard, set with the rod iron outdoor benches, the koi pond, and the huge weeping willow. Into the tastefully decorated lobby, where the young desk keep waits discreetly to check in new guests. I will nod in acknowledgement to his softly murmured greeting. Keep going, talking the stairs, its only two flights. I will slide the key into the door, not one of those new fangled electronic door, rather an old fashioned brass key. Listen to the soft click, I will push it open. Finally. I walk to the bed. My bag is packed. It’s been packed for days. I light my cigarette, going to the window. Take a deep inhale, eyes closed, tasting the tobacco mixed with the rain scented air of a faraway place. It could be a dream I think to myself. I could just lie on the bed, and wake up in the morning, telling myself, it was a dream. Then instead of grabbing my bag and freedom, I can go to the hospital like I have every day of this duty, I can continue on pretending. It wont be hard. That’s all it was for the last few years anyway. A game of pretend. Another deep breath. I shudder as I exhale. I flick my cigarette out the window, not bothering to close the balcony doors behind me, letting the cooling air flirt through the sheer curtains. I grab my bag, without a look behind me I shut the door and start down the stairs. Into the street I walk, just my one bag and myself. I don’t bother to look around. I know where I’m going now. I have nothing else left and no one else to turn to. Who would take me in? I’ve changed everything for this game of pretend. No one left to recognize me, no one left alive, I have no other choice. In order to really make a difference, in order to really move past this point I have to accept who I am, all of my talents, despite the fact the only thing I’ve been talented in is death and lies. The demand of acceptance, of acknowledging the talents as my own choices, no forced by a debt of ownership, the gift of freedom, was the last whisper of the dying, in an exhaling breath, while the life was stolen the freedom was granted, in that dank hospital. With its well lit corridors to mask the shadows of death stealing the souls of the living all I hear is “Your debt is paid“.

Summarized:

1st person

Psychic distance is close, but with a zooming in.

‘Pathetic fallacy’ - john Ruskin : is when the exterior world conveys the emotion of the character

Shift in verb tense present to future to present, dynamic manipulation of time, cinematographic… architecture beyond realm of story.

Voice has resolve.